The Ultimate TAWOG Fanfiction EVER
by TheStarter
Summary: What happens when one person decides to clump together all the good and bad (mostly bad) in this archive? Well, we don't know. But we got THIS retard to do it, so enjoy this story not for the content, but for the fact that someone suffered to create this.
1. Chapter 1

stories


	2. Chapter 2

...All right, all right, here's the _actual _fanfic.

Gumball and Darwin were playing "Dodge-or-Dare", because that's all they ever do when they're not having sexual relations with their family members, saying a swear word every two seconds, or go crazy and kill everyone.

They were in the backyard, thrashing their bodies into the walls. The loud noise pissed Mr. Robinson off, so he decided to verbally abuse children instead of his wife today.

"Whaddya kids doin' ovah there!?" He yelled.

"Oh, hi Mr. Robinson. We were just being stupid, as always." Darwin answered.

Suddenly, the author of this fic remembered that this was a parody of the average "The Amazing World of Gumball" fanfic, so he erased Mr. Robinson from the story.

"Whoa. That was freaky." Gumball responded. Normally, the two would get worried, but they didn't, because.

"Eh, I'm tired of playing this gayme (LOLOLOLOL). Whaddya say we have sex with that ghost slut that I'll never love on a passionate level for the fifteenth millionth time?" Gumball suggested, somehow able to count all those time.

"Heck no! I got ghost crabs from her. They can't feel me, but I can feel them." Darwin said, whimpering.

"Oh. Well, sucks that you hit puberty early. How about we go hang out with- MY BIOLIGICAL FATHER, ZOROWOLF, WHO IS BIG, TALL, DARK, MUSCLY, TOTALLY NOT A FURRY, AND HAD SEX WITH MY MOTHER TO PRODUCE ME, EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD NEVER TELL WE WERE RELATED BY JUST LOOKING AT US." Gumball reclaimed in a drone-ish voice. Darwin just stared at him, puzzled.

"HE ALSO HAS A BIG PENIS AND IS THE SOLE REASON FOR MY IMPOSSIBLY LONG SCHLONG." Gumball added, still in the drone voice.

"Ew. How about we just watch TV?"

"All right." Gumball responded, back to normal.

The two sat down on the couch, forcing their forever PMSing mother to do everything a mother should.

They were watching some cartoon where three kids; a retard, a pussy, and a fatass; tried to con their mean ass neighbors for money on crack. In the form of spheres, of course.

But alas, this cartoon was new, so it automatically sucked. They watched some "_Bob & Merry_" shorts, even though they've seen every single one of them at least a thousand times.

"LOL. Merry just gave Bob brain damage with that tiny mallet." Darwin giggled.

"Dude, did you just say 'l-o-l' out loud?" Gumball asked, getting his backhand ready.

"No, I did indeed laugh out loud. It's just the author's crappy vocabulary affecting the way you hear it."

"Ah, OK, OK..." Gumball said, gluing his eyes back to the TV. Another thing that would be terrible if it was in real life happened on the program.

"LEL." Darwin said, losing a part of his soul in the process.

"Lel!? What does that even stand for!?" Gumball yelled.

"Calm down, Gumball. I didn't mean to rustle your jimmies _that_ easily." Darwin said smugly. Gumball was about to smash Darwin's Elvis fish face in when someone appeared downstairs.

"Oh, hello plot devi- I mean, Anais." Gumball said brightly. She made glass-shattering noise with her mouth that could be translated as 'Go get me a candy cane.'

"Sure thing, bitch sis!" Gumball responded. He grabbed his BIOLOGICAL father's wallet and Darwin, and then ran off to the city.

Darwin and Gumball were strolling down the block. They were surrounded by gas-guzzling cars, brown and dirty brick walls, screaming, police siren wails and obscene graffiti. They only liked that last part.

At an alleyway, they heard a small 'Psst.' The two turned to see a tall guy in a trench coat.

"Looking for this?" He said, pulling out a large candy cane. The best part? It vibrated!

Darwin reached out for it, only to get slapped by a tentacle.

"Thirty-five bucks." He retorted. Gumball reached into his BIOLOGICAL father's wallet and only saw pictures of him fucking other anthropomorphic women, condoms, and a credit card.

"Here." Gumball said, handing the trench coat guy the credit card. He grabbed, tried bending it to see if it was real, and immediately ran off, dropping the vibrating candy cane. The Watterson's stood there, waiting for the trench coat blob to return it to them.

"...So, I'll just meet you here later, OK?" Gumball said. They immediately went home.

It was around 4:55 p.m. When the door was about to open, Anais opened the door, about to make more dreadful noise, when Darwin shoved the candy cane into her mouth.

She sucked on it a couple of times, before spitting it out. It tasted salty, instead of sweet like a candy cane should.

Again, there was more ear –raping noise to come, until she turned on the vibration setting. Her eyes gleamed, her cheeks blushed, and her foot moved up the stairs to enjoy her new toy.

Gumball and Darwin, about to wince at the thought of the horrible thing the author just wrote (and will write later), were just glad they did not have to deal their sisters brattiness.

They decided to play violent video games, because they wished they could destroy massive amounts of property. Just like any kid!

"So, I'll be player 1 and you'll be player 2, Darwin." Gumball ordered, like a douche.

"Sure, whatever." Darwin accepted. He would _not _get angry at any of his pitiful attempts to do so.

They began playing _Ultra Hyper..._ _Ultra Hyper-ness._ Seriously, that was the name of the game.

As soon as the match started, they began beating the virtual crap out of each other. Darwin, even though he had fins instead of hands, was beating Gumball the most. (Probably because he chose the cheapest character.)

"C'mon, Darwin! Quit using that move over and over again!" Gumball screeched. Darwin just gave a face that said 'Nope'. Darwin's character had Gumball's in the corner, uppercutting it so it couldn't land. Then, when Gumball tried to shield, all his character did was go into the fetal position, covering its face in shame.

When all Gumball had left was a pixel of a life bar left, Darwin stopped being an unskilled player and backed up.

"Oh, goddamn you..." Gumball groaned. He knew he was screwed, doing anything would result in him losing to Darwin. **AGAIN**.

Gumball only knew one thing he could do to get out of this mess. Quit. But not just quit. Rage quit. Rage quit so hard so he could stop feeling his heart sink in despair and feel it tighten instead.

Gumball slowly got up, his controller still in hand. He went behind the TV and unplugged the game system.

"Dude! You don't have to get ma-" Gumball slashed the TV with his claws, hurting himself in the process. He had just gotten a manicure with his mom, too.

He balled his paw up into a fist, covering his ruined claws. He contracted them, and then decided to take it a step further. He screamed, just before smashing his head into the TV.

He was unharmed, thankfully, but then grabbed his controller and gently placed it into the hole where the screen used to be. He would've done more, but he got tired and ran out of ideas.

Panting, he went back to the couch and looked at his brother.

"Good game, Darwin." He said.

At the dinner table, the Watterson's, sans the worst character in the history of anything ever, Richard, were eating whatever slop they were required to eat.

"So, how was your day today, kids?" Nicole asked. Anais was with her candy cane, kissing it intently. "Don't eat that thing sweety. It'll ruin your appetite." Nicole said.

"My day was just like any other day." Gumball said.

"Gumball did something funny today." Darwin snitched on Gumball.

"No, I didn't! The only funny person in here is you, Elvis!" Gumball said.

"Kids, kids, kids, please... Mommy's having her bitch aunt visit again." Nicole said, trying to not destroy everything.

"What, you mean Granny Jojo? She's gotten so short, I can't even see her." Gumball snarked.

"No, not her, you abortion. I'm on my period, which means I'll have very violent mood swings." She explained bluntly.

"Heh. If that's the case, you must have a lot of periods every day, Mrs. Mom."

"SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR SHIT!" Nicole shrieked, banging the table with her fist.

"Nah, I think I'm done for today. Put that in a to-go box, will ya? Thanks!" Gumball said, walking off. Nicole would've ripped Gumball's balls off, but she was thankful he was leaving out of her sight. He reminded her of his BIOLOGICAL father every time she saw him.

"Well, since he's gone, looks like I can't exist." Darwin said poofing out of existence. Nicole just stared at Anais, who was _still_ kissing her toy.

"...Can I borrow that?" Nicole asked.

Gumball, who ignored all sense, what little he had, went to Penny Fitzgerald's house. He noticed the nicer neighborhood. He saw the kids playing and no creepy old guys looking at them, all the yards were free of dog shit, and two African-Americans had trouble and DIDN'T end it by shooting each other.

He pressed the doorbell, waiting for the one and only antlered peanut that he'd wanted to see.

The door opened. "Gumball? What do you need?" Penny asked.

"You." Gumball said. Penny's face brightened up, glad that her crush _finally_ grew a pair. She gestured him to go upstairs to her bedroom. Gumball closed the door and locked it, all with a devious look on his face.

They rushed to her bedroom, eagerly wanting each other's fluids over their groins. Penny opened her door, and let Gumball go in first so she could push him onto the bed.

With Gumball laying down, she crawled on top of him, taking dominance (really, who wouldn't see them in that kind of relationship?).

She looked down to see a bulge in his pants. Thanks to his BIOLOGICAL father, the bulge was huge.

She unzipped his pants, revealing his lucky _Daisy the Donkey Puncher_ boxers. Penny could feel the heat building up inside her. It was like her vagina told her it wanted to squeeze Gumball's dick as hard as it could.

She reached for the button that was about to unleash the beast. But, it released itself. It looked... odd. It was like a flag that said the words 'April Fools!' on one side and 'Cock Joke' on the back. In fact, that's what it was.

Penny was unamused, but Gumball was holding back so much laughter, until he released it all.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha, Penny! You, and I both know there's virtually no stories of us doing it!" Gumball tried justifying his cruel, yet hilarious prank.

"Darn it, Gumball. I thought you and I would finally do it for once!" She complained. "Maybe one day, we will. But for now let's just cuddle."

Penny's grimace slowly turned. Cuddling with her wouldn't feel like anything on the outside, but feels warm and fuzzy on the inside. That, and a buzzer wouldn't make her feel anything, out or in, so...

"Well, this feels nice, Gumball." Penny said, smiling.

"I hope it does, Penny. Because, next time, it'll feel much better." Gumball said, hugging her tightly.

Author's Note: I had _so_ much fun writing this. Granted, I thought I was being a little harsh, (especially with the BIOLOGICAL father shit), but it was all with good intentions.

I've gotten my groove back, and I will continue making stories to assist shaping the archive.

I hope I didn't offend anybodies writing style with this. I won't try and weasel out and say it was a joke, because I personally think I'd consider responding the same way.

Anyways, happy April Fool's day, and I'll see you guys next time.

P.S: It seems that requests have a habit of burning me out, since this isn't the first time I've had an account like this. But, I will try and not be absentee with no explanation again. If I am, a quick look at my profile will explain everything, properly or otherwise.

See you next time!


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